Am I Really Mentally Ill?

( Note – This post is written by Tony Allard and is an adjunct to a series on mental illness written by Dennis Allard. That series may be accessed via the following links:
[ch.1] [ch.2] [ch.3] [ch.4] [ch.5] [ch.6] [ch.7] [ch.8] )

Hello, my name is Tony and I’m not anybody’s Schizophrenic brother.  I was initially diagnosed as such in the mid-1980’s, but have had 4 or 5 different diagnoses since.  Personally, I believe I am a victim of what was a prolonged and persistent mind-control agenda by the Zionist and Free Masonic cults.  Oh, another one of those, eh?  I will be adding to this file as time permits me to and you will be able to decide for yourself if I really am Mentally Ill.  I will describe here my perception of historical events which occurred.  My tendency in the past before I was ever diagnosed as “Mentally Ill” by a Licensed Psychiatrist, until about 1986 or so, was to try to fit reality into neat conceptual boxes, (“Christian”, “Communist”, etc.), and to explain reality to myself using such “readymade” models which provided some mental comfort to me.  However, starting around 1986 I started having real problems facing reality and my life basically “fell apart”.  I sought help, both voluntarily and because of social coercion of my family and friends, (or you can call it persuasion I suppose if that sounds more “caring”), in yet another conceptual model called “Psychiatry”.  That has been a total wash.  No help what-so-ever.  It only augmented my self-doubts and the (ever changing prescribed) medications they at first prescribed and I took voluntarily, and then in a dozen instances was forced to take or injected with by the County or State Authorities further deteriorated my sense of well-being and personal self worth.  At that point, despite the fact I believed that I was under a constant barrage of psychic attack by those just referenced Satanic Cults’ practitioners, I came to agree with my Doctors and intimates that I had an actual physiological mental defect.  I have been trying to understand what happened in the ensuing 25 years, with a much clearer perspective, for the last 5 years.  I have come to certain conclusions to explain my past and current mental states, which have invariably lead many people to dismiss my accounts, and myself, as delusional.

For a hypothetical yet actual example that happened to me, if you tell an NSA (ie. NIH) Psychological Operative, “Psyop”, (take California State Forensic Psychologist Brandy Matthews at Atascadero State (Psychiatric) Hospital for instance), that you are the victim of NSA and CIA experimentations, and that you believe that you are a Special Agent for the FBI, she will always misrepresent your statements and write down something to the effect that you believe you are a CIA Agent being persecuted by the FBI.  That just a joke.  Seriously though, I’m not joking.  The connections I’ve made between disparate events that I have observed in my life and my explanations for their causes have in many cases changed from year to year.  But that is because as I get new information I have to try to be flexible and adjust my “conspiracy theory”.  If I knew all the facts about the Robert Kennedy murder then maybe I would know why I’m supposed to vote for Bernie Sanders for President now 50 fucked-up years later.  But I don’t and I won’t.  As far as my delusion that I was an undercover FBI Agent, that was the result of a couple of clandestine conversations I had with a couple of individuals back in 1985 and it is now apparent to me that even if I was being recruited to be such an Agent back then, I cannot possibly actually be one now because since 2003 I have become a twice Convicted Felon.  The FBI does not employ Felons and I have never received a cent from the FBI for any services, so I am not only not a Special Agent, undercover or otherwise, I am not an Informant either.

I have lived an active life in Los Angeles for those 50 years and worked in and around the Motion Picture Industry for 20 of them, mostly for my older brother Eric Allard’s All Effects Company in the San Fernando Valley.  I was a participant in the early LA “Punk Rock” scene as a video artist from 1978 (to 1987), and I have some stories about events in both my professional and personal lives, which I will relate to you, that affected my personal development and reflect on my current understanding of the world and my place in it.  Some of you reading this may have known me, or of me, and maybe I can help your own understanding of seemingly inexplicable events in your own life.  Frankly, along with clarifying my own understanding, helping others better understand themselves and others better is one of my primary goals in spending time writing this stuff down.  Maybe you will know something that I would like to know and you can email me and tell me something I don’t know.  I can always use new information.  I have my B.A. from UCLA in Communication Studies in the Mass Media from UCLA, 1981, with a Minor in Interpersonal Communication.  I also studied color video production there under the tutelage of NYC transplanted “Neorealist” Filmmaker, Modern Dancer, and early 60’s Pop Art/Chelsea Hotel/Warhol Factory Scenester Shirley Clarke, and made about 10 short video art pieces which included a number of alternative music videos, mostly before that advent of digital video and even MTV.   All of that was before my emotional and legal troubles started to seriously interfere with my economic and ability to function socially in society.  I have been interned in Jails, Prisons, and State Psychiatric Hospitals for 11 ½ years out of the past 15, on various small crimes and a couple of Felony Criminal Threats Convictions.  I also had numerous Psychiatric detentions throughout the past 30 years prior to and during that period, not really directly related to any specific crimes but because of questionable behavior and non-criminal actions that local police and Psychiatric Emergency Teams ruled merited Psychiatric observation.  Unfortunately, because of my brash reactions to efforts of the Free Masons and Jews to direct my behavior, and my resistance to their directives and also because my inability to break out of long standing alcohol and drug (marijuana) use which I started at age 13, as well as a gambling addiction I acquired as an inappropriate response to my psychological difficulties and as an effort to “escape reality”, I’ve wasted many years staring at Prison, Jail, and Mental Hospital walls and being heavily drugged both voluntarily and involuntarily on legal and illegal drugs and prescription medications.  I did manage to accomplish quite a bit in spite of being incarcerated for most of the past decade and a half and treated basically like a grade school student by Psychiatrists and Social Workers.  But what can you do?  As any Convict and ex-Convict will tell you, eventually I came to the conclusion: “If you’re willing to do the crime, be willing to do the time”.  I did and I did.

So what’s the deal with Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Social Workers, etc.?  In short, “Mental Health Professionals”?  They want to “help” people?  In the past 29 years, I have been diagnosed with 5 different “Mental Illnesses” and been prescribed over 30 different Psychiatric drugs.  I do not believe that I am “Psychotic”, as many Psychiatric Doctors who have interviewed me in the past 29 years have contended.  I have certainly acted that way a number of times.  But I don’t want to get into a discussion of “Nature vs. Nurture”, which is to say the physiological versus the environmental “causes” for psychotic behavior.  All I can say is that I believe my psychotic reactions were primarily “drug induced”, in combination with other psycho-social forces, and that I can only take partial “responsibility” for my so-called “Crimes”.  The fact is, other than engendering fear through verbal assaults on some individuals, perhaps, whom I know to be actual political enemies of mine, and in a few instances doing a few thousand dollars worth of property damage, I am not really a Criminal.  I certainly have never done anything that has left permanent physical damage on the bodies of any of those enemies, whereas, I have been attacked a number of times and I do have permanent scars, missing teeth, and bitter memories of physical pain that took months to heal in some cases.

Talking about Psychiatrist and their motives here’s some irony, if you want to call it that.  I first met a Dr. Schneider when I was incarcerated in TTCF fighting my 1st Strike Terrorist Threats charge in 2002, brought against me by a “Sex Therapist” and phone sex service operator Susan Block.  Dr. Schneider, who was assigned my case as my attending LA County Jail Psychiatrist in late 2002, spoke with me on probably 3 or 4 occasions during that internment.  He spoke English with such a strong accent, which I thought was Russian, that I could barely understand what he was saying, during my Psychiatric Interviews with him.  I recall saying to him one day just that, that I could barely understand him, and I asked him why he was practicing Psychiatry in Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department’s Twin Tower Correctional Facility in the United States.  His response was, “That’s a good question.”  But he didn’t elaborate and I didn’t question his National origin at that time.  Jump forward to 2010 to an “ICC” (Institutional Classification Committee) meeting in Los Angeles County Prison (“Lancaster Prison” in the State’s CDCR, not the County Jail mind you), where I had to face Dr. Schneider again.  I had been placed in what is called the “SHU” (Segregated Housing Unit”) in Lancaster for having chased down the tier and in the yard a young homosexual and known member of the “GBG” gang, (“Gay Boy Gangsters”), who had been harassing me.  I was still in the SHU after 3 months of solitary confinement, and the ICC was to determine if I could be reintegrated into the general population, (not on “the Main Line” but at least within the general population of a Mentally Ill Housing Unit and with a cellie).  Oddly enough, such ICC’s are generally attended by about 8 Prison officials, including a sub-Warden or Warden, a Lieutenant and/or Sergeant, your Psychiatrist and Social Worker/Clinician, a Nurse, and a couple of Correctional Officers for security, but for reasons unknown to me there were about 30 people at this one.  Seriously bizarre and unusual.  I recognized Schnieder immediately upon being led into the room and was surprised to see him there since he was not my State Shrink and I had not seen him since years before in County.  In waist chains I was led to my seat in front of my initial questioner, a ranking Forensic Psychologist as I recall now.  I don’t remember the ICC Facilitators name, but he was obviously Jewish and he started to question me.  (I did not ask him if he was a Free Mason, (part of my sentence was the result of threatening to have a Free Mason, Steven Mikulan (past Theater Writer and long time Theater Editor for the LA Weekly free newspaper and former associate of mine) and his wife Sandra Ross, killed if they testified in Court on Felony Vandalism Charges I had incurred by scratching her car with a pocket knife).  I did however, ask this guy who was about to start the ICC inquisition if he was Jewish.  He refused to answer my question saying that it was his “prerogative” not to answer.  I asked him what that meant, and he replied that it meant that it was his choice to answer or not, and he refused to do so.  I didn’t argue at that point and answered his questions that followed though I don’t recall now what else he asked me.  Next, I was questioned by the at that point I had just discovered now California State Psychiatrist Dr. Schneider.  I didn’t ask him if he was Jewish or how he got his job in a State Prison, an apparent upward move from the County Jail I thought, but I asked him if he remembered me from about 8 years previously.  He denied remembering our Twin Towers relationship.  I then asked him again about his accent, saying: “It’s odd that you speak with a Russian accent but you have a German name.  Are you Russian?”  He didn’t exercise his prerogative and answered, “No, I’m Jewish.”  He then went on to tell the Committee that I was indeed still Mentally Ill, if I recall correctly, and as a result I had to spend a couple of more months in the SHU until I was sent out to the State Hospital at the Salinas Valley Psychiatric Program as a 2684 Prison Commitment for stabilization.  Ironic.  What happened at SVPP was a whole story apart from this one which I’ll get to later.  Why does Dr. Schneider practice Psychiatry?  Because he “cares”?  I believe that it is much more likely tied to his car/house/and Visa Card Payments, but then, I’m Mentally Ill.

If you are not knowledgeable about the finer distinctions in the Psychiatric categorizations of Mental Illnesses, I can tell you that a Psychosis is a cognitive, or thinking (ie. brain), disorder, and a Mood Disorder is considered an emotional problem.  The mind/body duality is taken as fact by modern American Psychology/Psychiatry, and in fact, if you look at their 12 Step Programs for substance abusers like me, which are based on “Spiritual Principles”, they also preach that we have a “Spirit”.  I don’t buy any of it, but hell, I’m not a Doctor, a Social Worker, or a Priest, so I don’t have to or say that I do even if I don’t.  From my initial “Psychotic Break” in 1987, (what they called my social withdrawal and emotional reaction to my excess drug abuse patterns catching up with me combined with, I believe, National Security Agents attacking me with a number of psychological, electronic, and chemical weapons), through about 2004, I was diagnosed with a number of “Disorders”, or “Mental Illnesses”.  First I was a Paranoid Schizophrenic.  Then around 1991 I somehow had instead Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (NOS).  By about 1996 my Mental Disorder (I always try to remember to Capitalize these terms, it seems more serious, official, and objective that way), with Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type.  These were all thought Disorders if I understand their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual’s definitions correctly.  Then, somehow, in 2005 as I recall, when I was sent to ASH Psychiatric Hospital in San Luis Obispo as an MDO, (“Mentally Disordered Offender”), for supervised Parole, (their term for further kindergarteny treatment when they feel like you haven’t sufficiently rehabilitated (or maybe they just need more money?)), I was diagnosed for the first time with a Mood Disorder – Bipolar Disorder with Schizoaffective Episodes – and there was a qualitative shift in the type of Psych Meds that I was required to take.  I went from atypical anti-psychotics to a mood stabilizer, Depakote (similar to Lithium).  In around 2014, in my second go around at ASH as an MDO, is when I think I was reclassified once again, to my current diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder Type I, Manic Type.

I am going to write an account of my own interpretation of my personal history which will perhaps not prove as a “fact” that I am not really Mentally Ill, but I will at least communicate a what I perceived happened in a number of historical events and get down my own interpretations which I prefer do not die with me.  In the overall scheme of things, I don’t think my own “suffering”, which although it has been fairly extensive, has had any kind of lasting traumatic effects on me as to the way I think or act now.  If anything, my punishment has “cured” my so-called Mental Illness.  As I’ve repeatedly denied, I don’t buy into the “Mental Illness” conception of me, but I do now have 2 “Strikes” in California and I cannot afford to be convicted of any further Felony Criminal Offenses without spending the rest of my life in Prison as a 3 Strike Loser.  So now, even when I “think bad thoughts” I mostly just keep them to myself whereas in the past, and particularly when drunk or min Psych Med withdrawal, I would “act out” and be both rude and threatening, in some cases I freely admit, to people who had done nothing to merit such a response from me.  I suppose “constructive venting” is one of if not the main purpose of my writing this.  What I do want to communicate, however, with the evidence I have in my mind, as well as a lot of actual documentation I have now and will obtain in the future, that I have indeed been the target of Government mind control experimentation.  Because of the nature of the National Security Act and the limitations on the information it is permissible for US Citizens to obtain through the Freedom of Information Act, it is likely I will never know “the true story”.  By structuring my thoughts here, I will clarify for myself through this process some of the things that have bothered me for years, and hopefully, really for my own personal satisfaction, come to a closer approximation of understanding what “the true story” is.

Basically, I currently believe “MK Ultra” was not discontinued by the CIA in the early 1970’s and in fact, whatever you want to call it, I think “Psychological Warfare” is an ongoing procedure being carried out on a daily basis everywhere in the United States and the rest of the world.  The effects on my own behavior of the broad cultural rot rammed down my senses daily by both the mass media and what I feel are the deteriorating social morals and ethics in my interpersonal interactions, have been further magnified in my own person through focused and direct personal attacks by NSA’s aimed at specifically at me.  If you want to know why I think I was singled out, I would say I was and I wasn’t.  I was culled out of the crowd, along with others, because of my exceptional smarts and creativity combined with my lack of “groundedness”, if I can call it that.  In 1976, when I was still at the dorms at UCLA, I wrote my brother Eric a letter, which I still remember, in which I was bubbling with enthusiasm for Marxist ideas.  Shortly thereafter, I had a “religious conversion” and became “Reborn” as a Christian.  For multiple reasons, I dropped that pose (or “belief system”) and slide into the “counter-culture” on the “Punk Rocker” and “New Wave” worlds.  I was ripe for picking by the behind the scenes manipulators to do their bidding.  It seems like I would be looking for a new mind set within a few more years.  I think that’s why I was picked for mind control experimentation and social manipulation.  The King Makers thought they could get me to do their bidding and I was invited to go into the Hollywood Cult of Celebrity as an “Art Star”.  For a number of reasons, mostly my own intransigence and monogamous/heterosexual obstinacy, I was rejected and blackballed by the Freemasons  for further initiation into their Satanic Cult.  I’ll get into specifics as to how I’ve come to this conclusion, not to worry.

I’ve met hundreds of individuals in the past 30 years who have suffered similar psychic attacks on themselves as I have and I’ve shared notes with them.  For me, such personal attacks have come in the form of directed energy weapons (ELF) projecting “thoughts” into my mind and infrared devices used to monitor my activities used in conjunction with ELF bombardments striping me of any sense of personal privacy and depriving me of my personal space.  The most outlandish claim I make and believe, is that these Cults have advanced technology called “Remote Neural Monitoring” (RMN).  Basically, I have believed for years that there are individuals (and of course they are in groups which I believe are centered around Zionist and Free Masonic sub- Cults) who can “read my mind”, which includes being able to “see”, literally on a video screen, both what my eyes see and what I see in my “minds eye” which I believe is related to my visual cortex in my brain, and the can hear what I hear and they can literally know what my thoughts are in language in real time.  I don’t know how this is accomplished and I know how insane this claim sounds, but I am convinced that it is possible and can be done to anyone.  I used to believe that such RNM was only possible in conjunction with skull and/or dental implants, but I believe that I was either misguided about that or that the technology has advanced now to a stage where implants are not required.  Also, chemical weapons have enhanced some of my delusional states of mind.  Substances such as crystal meth have been put into my food which I unwittingly ingested and I’ve taken Psychiatric “medications” willfully and naively in good faith.  Worse, have been the injections of “medications”, on many dozens of occasions, into my bloodstream in Court Ordered forced medication procedures, when I had no more faith in Psychiatrists mythical solutions.

What I have come to believe in the process of living my 58 years on earth, mostly here in Los Angeles, is that I am not really seriously Mentally Ill at all, but rather have been victimized by the Zionist and Freemasonic cults’ through their use of mind control, including hypnosis, electronic devices, unnecessary medications, organized slander, and inappropriate and severe punishment which has included at times extreme sleep deprivation and mental and physical isolation, as well through physical attacks in which I was targeted (“green lighted”) in over half a dozen instances in attacks by both LA County Sheriff Departments Deputies and by fellow TTCF Inmates and California Department of State Hospital Psychiatric Patients.  As a result of those processes, I have had to endured some rather extreme physical, emotional, and psychiatric/psychological torture and pain.  Perhaps you have heard such charges by others and you prefer to write such claims off as the paranoid concoctions of the Mentally Ill.  Undoubtedly, in many cases that is surely the truth.  But it’s not like I’ve had my legs blown off by an IED or land mine or was next to a good friend who suffered such a fate, so that’s why I won’t really complain about having acquired PTSD because of having had a few ribs broken or a couple of teeth knocked out.

In many cases I have had an abnormal disregard for the opinions of others regarding my actions effects on my “public image”, which has been further degraded by the incredible effectiveness that the above cited Cults’ activities have had on my thinking and resulting reactive Criminal Assaults and other behaviors for many years and in many situations.  In more cases than I can remember or innumerate I have appeared to others, at times believed myself to be, literally and totally “insane”.  A great number of people, especially including the vast majority of Psychiatric Doctors, Psychologists, Social Workers, etc. I’ve interviewed with in the past have believed, or said that they did, that I am seriously Mentally Ill and that my “delusions” of persecution and belief that I was an undercover FBI Operative are actually symptomatic of a Personality Disorder with Delusions of Grandiosity.   Some of my best friends have told me that they believe that that was, and to some still is, the case.  I agree that in a great number of instances I’ve acted crazy, but in most of those instances I was drunk or in a toxic state of mind from stopping taking my “meds” cold turkey and not tapering off the dosage as required.  Such rash behavior can be actually drug induced, in the sense that psychotropic drug withdrawal produces severe behavioral side effects in itself.  I do not have sufficient verifiable “facts” which I can report to you which will prove “beyond a shadow of a doubt” the veracity of the above seemingly outlandish allegation that the Jews and Masons activities (“dirty tricks” if you will) have been at the root of my sometimes erratic behavior others resulting perception of me as Mentally Ill.  Much worse has been the resulting medical diagnoses by a multitude of Psychiatrists that my behavior reflects that I am actually Mentally Ill.   To myself, the most significant proof that I will describe within these pages is the large number of non-random events and ritual abuses I have experienced in my life.  As I am not a Member of the Zionist (Cabal) or any Free-masonic Lodge, my knowledge of the history, rules and methods of those social Organizations has come in bits and pieces, and is basically limited.  Those organizations are called “Cults” because, by their very nature, as the “Punk Rocker” “Darby Crash” AKA “Bobby Pin” named at birth “Jan Paul Beahm” claimed in the title of one of his records, “What We Do Is Secret”.   A band that I had peripheral involvement as a video artist in 1980, “X”, is still playing 40 years after their inception, (as I suppose they have to), and just last week they had a “Secret Show”.  Big fucking deal.  I saw somebody on their website actually call them God.  In their cover of the old Doors song, (the Doors for Christ’s sake), there’s a line about “light another cigarette, and speak in secret alphabets, and learn to forget . . . . . ”  Secret alphabets?    I wish it were so easy, and that’s why I drank for 20 years too many too much.  Too try to forget.  But in Al Pacino cum Michael Corleone said in the God Father “ . . . but they keep dragging me back . . . “ or some such horseshit.

Perhaps I was “supposed” to go the way of the “tragic hero” and kill myself.  I’m pretty boring sometimes, but not that boring.  Therein lie my delusions, according to the Psychiatrists.  Head Doctors have assured me for years that when I thought people were “talking about me” or making “cryptic references” to other people or referring to past or future events in my life in order to influence my actions, that I was actually suffering from a mental disorder and experiencing “Referential Thinking” and/or “Thought Projection”.  I certainly cannot deny that many of the things I have thought in my own mind and communicated verbally, and in writings, over these many years have been completely delusional.

In 2002, on 3 separate occasions I perceived persons not well known to me saying verbatim and I quote: “If you don’t marry A. we’re going to kill you.”   They said it in non sequitur fashion and totally out of context of what we were talking about.   In a 4th instance, I overheard radio Schlock Jock Howard Stern make a similar comment on his televised replay of his NYC radio show on his E Entertainment cable TV show while I was cooking dinner in an apartment in Santa Monica that Summer.  He said, verbatim: “If Tony doesn’t marry A. we’re going to kill him.”  These perceptions were perhaps all complete delusions.  I’m as sure as the fact that I’m not dead now that these things were said though.  Of course, I’ve been counseled by friends and family that my perceptions were all shear delusions and to let it go, just forget it.  Well, why should I, I’m not a fucking Christian.  Am I supposed to be “grateful” that I wasn’t killed by the Jewish Mafia after all and let sleeping dogs lie?  I was involved in 1980 in a May – September sexual affair with a woman named A.H. when I was a student at UCLA 1980, 20 some years previous to those threats.  I assumed this was the “A.” these persons and Mr. Stern were referring to.  I have no “rational” explanation for why these people would say such a seemingly absurd statement or why three different people would repeat it to me?  The fact is I was told by a coworker during the production of the 1st Tim Burton version of “Planet of the Apes”, on which I worked on in the Art Department as a Prop Maker, that A. H. is a Mason.  That was before the threats even occurred.  I’ll have more to say about the H. lady at a later time.  For now, suffice to say, I did not marry her and I have not been killed, so if my perceptions were accurate and those people who said that actually did say that, then there must be an explanation as to why they did.  I don’t have that explanation.   All I’ll say now is that I have heard that A.H. is married now so I guess I missed my chance.  And I say good for her, I hope she is content with her salt water Jacuzzi in her home in Rancho Park, or wherever she lives now.  But I also heard from a good friend, and usually reliable source of information, that one of H.’s sources of income is directing pornographic films.  C’est la vie, I suppose.  I have some theories about that person and her “problem”.   Which are by their very nature “conspiracy theories” which I will get to at a later date.  All I can say for now is that her problem is as clear as the nose on her face.

It must be apparent already at the outset of this blog that I do not share some of the assumptions of my brother Dennis Allard, who operates this website, oceanpark.com.  I appreciate much of what he has done for me during my life, especially in providing me at times material assistance such as a roof over my head, which he has done on a few occasions.  I’m even more grateful to him for tending my finances and “putting money on my books” during my many incarcerations in various Government Penal and Mental Institutions.  But his somewhat obsessive documentation of my Legal problems and my Psychiatric Care is a different matter for me.  His documentation on his Ocean Park Blog was by necessity limited in the extreme because he winnowed out a few dozen pages of written history from the vast quantity of Legal and Medical (ie. Psychiatric) information involved in over six and a half years of my struggles in Courtrooms and Hospital Doctors’ Offices and Ward Hallways, between July 23, 2009 when he started that process and February 15, 2016, which marked the end of his documentation.  His Oceanpark Column’s blog’s “Mental Health” category on this website are not really in the genre of favors that he has rendered me which I can say I really appreciate that much and I will tell you briefly why that is.

At the very very head of that series of documents, he put the following statement:

“Category Archives: Mental Health

The saga of my brother who is afflicted with Paranoid Schizophrenia. Eventually I would like to provide a resource page where people can share their ideas for how to improve what is a very broken system in the United States for dealing with Mental Health issues.”

The real “saga” of my life, if that word can be defined as “a long story of heroic achievement,” is not over yet.  As far as heroic, there has been nothing brave about my past and continuing struggles against the forces that have oppressed me, rather it has been a struggle for shear survival on my part.  And the fact that Dennis denies is that those forces are in part organized Jewry.  My “struggle” has led me to my current state of mind, I am not “schizophrenic” (and haven’t even been diagnosed as such for more than 2 decades), but rather, I’m angry and disillusioned.  What I am, not by choice or because of some irrational hatred, is anti-Jewish.  And I know that because of the incredible power of media Jews, that such an opinion is always equated by the “mainstream” mass media as “anti-Semitism”.  The predominant Politically Correct interpretation of reality contends the same thing.  And as David Duke, who will have been a “Grand Dragon in the KKK” until the day he dies, has to be denigrated 35 years later for his youthful involvement with a group that in itself is, in my opinion, is a front organization of Zionist disinformation specialists and agent provocateurs.  My “story” is a thousand fold more complex than portrayed by Dennis in his Mental Health blog, which I’m sure he is well aware.  In my view, I think his own belief system and faith in “Science”, and particularly in “Medical Science” in this case, have adversely colored his interpretations of the various facts he has reported, and even more significantly his choice of and manner of describing which facts he did choose to report.  Also, his undying, yet uncritical, denial of the power of international Jewish organizations, both financially and culturally, blinds him to the horrible racist and totalitarian nature of the Jewish people.  In short, I may indeed be Mentally Ill, but Dennis and a large percentage of the world’s Goyim are unwitting dupes and naïve sheep.

So anyhow, what I believe is that to even consider certain intuitive truths that by now I feel my brother should better grasp, like that there is at least a possibility that instead of suffering from some kind of physiological mental disorder as has been whispered in his ear (and mine and just about everyone I know) by a little angel for almost 30 years, that I have instead actually been a victim, (and only one of millions of us worldwide at that), of the Zionist/Masonic Cult’s mind control and a politically motivated slur campaigns.  As I said before, my belief is that there was an option open to me for years to join up with the Cult.  At a certain point I was “black balled” by the same Hollywood elites who had proffered offers of Cult initiation and acceptance with ritual loyalty tests coupled with what to me were unbelievably coercive threats spoken at me by their proxy stooges for years.  I really don’t need to know any more about the true nature of plausible deniability which the Cults’ Mucky-Mucks use to hide their identity from public revelation.  After I failed to respond with appropriate sexual abandon to certain offers of gratuitous sex with extremely desirable women and a few times in group setting testing my willingness to participate in multiple partner bacchanals, a campaign was launched against my psyche which has lasted for years.  I perceived their goal after they turned on me was to ruin any chance I had to gain social status social status or maintain material wealth.  By labeling me as an “anti-Semite”, a term which is like being called a “nigger lover” at a KKK rally, they have destroyed my reputation and ability to find work in Hollywood.  Really, truthfully, I think they were actually trying drive me to literal self-destruction via suicide.  I believe the flip-flop from their initial encouraging activity in my life toward Cult membership and participation in their rituals into actual MK Ultra style methods of mind destroying psychic warfare, came a s a result of my refusal to become a crypto-fascist supporter of their materialistic, one world agenda, and pursue their chosen Jewess Cult Practitioner towards marriage.   After that refusal of their crypto-commandments to pursue that front woman when they ordered me to do so in 2001, as I had refused their hinds masny years previously to pursue her further, I found it even more difficult to deal with my day to day confrontation with their subliminal bullying than I had for the previous 15 years.  Only an extreme pleasure in and interest in life sustained my will to live in the face of their relentless onslaughts.

Getting back to the theme I want to finish with in my initial entry to this new blog, in all fairness, I have to say that that I my brother Dennis, my brother Eric, and myself all have a strong sense of filial responsibility, which were bred into us by our father’s own paternal instincts and actions.  My father, and both my brothers always acted in good faith towards me, at times despite what can only be described as what was bafflingly stupid and self-destructive actions on my part.  I didn’t always agree with their actions, particularly my father and Dennis in a number of situations where they found it necessary to exercise “tough love”.  I may not have made it this far without economic help across some of my bleaker self destructive years that seem to have been interspersed between other much happier and prosperous times.  Also, I was addicted to excess use of alcohol and marijuana for 30 years, habits which I have effectively ceased since 2000 due to a combination of determination and incarcerations.  Those activities, which when coupled with the constant onslaught of psychological attacks by the Cult’s operatives, caused me to have many erratic behaviors and exacerbated my inability to remain economically self-sufficient at times.  I have to own up and take most of the blame for putting both my father and Dennis in a position to feel obligated to help me financially, especially since my brother Eric cut me tons of slack in the odd behavior department, even as I earned my living primarily by working as a prototype machinist in his Special Effects shops for 15 years between 1985 and 1999.  I am truly fortunate that I have had financial support from all the men in my immediate family over the span of my adult life.  It’s ironic to me that as a result of my supposed mental disability I now have financial stability, by way of Social Security Disability Income, for the first time in about 15 years.  Certain elements in our society find it so fashionable to decry our “paternal” culture, as if men should not feel and exercise filial responsibility towards their wives and offspring.  In my case, I let those freaks get the upper hand on my consciousness for long enough, but it’s all over now.

Having set out the above, I don’t really feel the need or have the time to refute the errors that I believe are incorporated within the texts of the 7 chapters of my Dennis’ Mental Health blog.  If you followed that blog in the past perhaps you will probably be interested in what I will say in this new blog of my own.  I do not deny that he reported various historical occurrences accurately in that old blog, but I don’t intend to try to separate the wheat from the chaff as far as truthfulness of his accounts.  There are some blaring errors and omissions, but I don’t feel like rehashing old news.  He has offered to take the entire text of that Mental Health blog off-line, an offer which I appreciate, but I don’t believe he should.  It stands as his interpretation of some of the struggles he and I have gone through together, and as such I think he should keep it there as long as he wishes to.  My purpose from now on will be to try to describe as accurately as I can, the process by which I myself came to the conclusion that I don’t have to believe what these freaks tell me, because they are big liars.  I want to state for the record some of the conclusions I have come to about what has happened to me, and what has happened since I made a firm resolve to ignore for the most part what other people tell me I must do or not do, what is true or untrue, and what is going to or not going to happen.

I’ve known for years I must do to remain sane and out of punitive environments.  I am on a small dose of Depakote which I’m not convinced I need.  I eating well and getting some exercise, and I believe my thinking is now more in line with empirically verifiable reality.   I have rejected the supposed validity of something called “dialectical materialism” which I never really understood very well anyhow.  I have recognized the absurdity of the Jewish supremacist world view and can now separate my dislike for those types of Jews who populated the Palestinian’s homeland and call it Israel from ethnic Jews who have about as much in common with Zionists as I do with the Pope.  As for all those pretentious assholes who are on top in Hollywood Illuminati’s echelon of obscenity I just brush the dust of my lapel and kept walking after groveling for about 20 years trying to please the unpleasable.  Call me what you want, but having now rejected Psychiatry’s twisted proscriptions which I allowed to define me for 25 years and no longer accepting those “Doctors” pronouncements about my knowledge and beliefs, their interpretations of the causes of my “deviant” beliefs, my “anti-Semitism”, and my previously uncontrolled behavior no longer affect me as before.

I mentioned Dr. David Duke before.  I know how David Duke feels, and a really have much respect for him.  Every time the people in the media mention his name, they have to preface it with a “He’s the KKK guy” clause.  As somebody who has been maligned for years as Mentally Ill, I know exactly how that makes him feel.  Like him, I don’t deny that I’ve acted in many situations in the past as a maniac.  But if I was a Jew named James Osterberg, Jr. who took on the persona of (Z)Iggy Pop, I could have made millions or dollars at being a self-destuctive Psychopath.  Personally, I think Dr. Duke is wrong in his belief that Jesus was and is the Son of God, because I don’t believe the Jews ever had the “Truth” in the first place and their “Law” is meaningless to me.  I don’t believe I need to be forgiven for violating rules that were a complete fiction to start out with.  But he can believe that if he wants and clearly Jesus message is in every way superior to that of Aleister Crowley, Timothy Leary and all his CIA Freak Show MK Ultra spiritual descendants.  I know that Duke would not force his beliefs about Christ on me either.  I have other friends who call themselves Christians, and I believe after what I’ve discovered about life, that they too are delusional.  But in a good way if that is possible.  After working in Hollywood’s myth factories for 20 years and watching their dreck of movie screens and TV for much longer than that, I know how good Jews are at spinning tales.  Since the entire Bible, Old and New Testament was written by and for Jews, I think Mr. Duke is in the same boat as the Pope when it comes to the conceptual box he confines himself to.  Or let me say at least they seem to be in the same fleet.  Personally I’d prefer to sail on Duke’s ship at this point, however, if I had to choose.

The Psychiatric establishment’s view of me, judging from the overwhelming consensus of Shrinks I’ve spoken to, is that I am genetically predisposed to some constantly shifting and ill defined “Mental Illness”, that has changed as often as the President of the US, and that really doesn’t line up with the reality that I am living.  They have rammed their biological deterministic concept of my mostly environmentally engendered emotional problems down my brain for so long that even good old gullible me can’t believe their horse shit du jour any more.

One final point I need to make at the outset of this new blog, “Am I really Mentally Ill?” There was a 10-minute video clip that my brother had posted here of an interrogation he did of me back in early September of 2009.   When I was released in July of 2015 from the California State Hospital in San Luis Obispo, ASH, I reviewed that interview and requested that Dennis remove it from his website, which he did.  Back just days prior to when we recorded that interview, in 2009, I had just been acquitted in a previous Robbery case which I had been fighting for six months while locked up in the LA Sheriff Department’s Twin Towers Correctional Facility.  When Dennis asked me if he could ask me a few questions on video I mistakenly acquiesced, thinking I suppose, that I could prove to him that I wasn’t “Mentally Ill”, like he and just about everybody I knew were convinced of.  My presentation in that document is certainly not “normal” by any standard of judgement, my speech was pressured, I was gritting my teeth, and I was very angry.  I also had a sever cramp in my left hand which I kept closing and opening into a fist throughout his questioning, reinforcing the impression that I was crazy.  I also made several clearly delusional references to things which I no longer believe are accurate.  I did claim in the interview to be a victim of mind control in unequivocal terms and I obviously still believe that.

Unintentionally I believe, near the start of the interview when I told Dennis “I’m moving on now”, he responded to my comment in an exasperated tone with “it sounds to me like you have long rooted delusions that are very real to you” and that “all these [delusions] come from inside your head”, a couple of statements that more or less brought home to me not only Dennis’ longtime conviction that I am seriously Mentally Ill.  He then continued throughout the rest of the video in the adversarial role of an inquisitor, trying to ascertain my “med compliance”, asking me in various form, “Are you taking you’re meds or not?”  Unfortunately, that is the basic stance that for years so many people have taken toward me upon discovering that I have been diagnosed with Mentally Illness.  In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I met with a new Psychiatrist, from the CDCR Parole Outpatient Clinic, via “Telemed”, Skype like video meeting with me here in Lancaster, CA and he in Sacramento.  Of course, the first thing he asked me was my dosage and if I was taking, my “Psych Meds”.  You get tired as a NSA victim of political oppression and historically repeatedly reinforced disinformation about having a mental “Disorder”, that at time you just want to burst.  That is the exact one down role that Patients are put vis-a-vis even low level “psych Techs” in State Hospitals, who after one year of training, most of it on the job, they are permitted to treat any and all of the “Patients” in the hospital with a similar, what I have to call for the lack of a more precise word because this one sums up so well just what the attitude is, condescending attitude toward.  These Psychiatric sycophants believe that because somebody has been defined by the “State of California”, as “Mentally Ill”, that they automatically have the right to treat them as children or mentally retarded adults.  Seriously, it gets old.

Upon viewing the tape again last week, which some of you readers who followed Dennis’ blog previously have no doubt seen, for only the second time since it was made, I became quite upset when I counted the number of times my brother asked me in the recording if I was taking or planning to take my “meds”.  10 fucking times he asked me that and nine times I sidestepped his question.  It was blatantly obvious that I was not on meds and just as obvious that I didn’t want to answer his question.  I just want to point out to anyone reading this who saw that interview that I had just been release a few days prior to that after having been tortured, by what I considered then and now to be draconian measures compared to the behavior I was accused of having done.  When I finally answered him that I was not taking my prescribed Abilify, (and had not been for 14 months previously to that, both out of Jail and then after arrested and incarcerated by faking swallowing it or “cheeking” the pills at my Jail cell door), Dennis then continued to goad me on.  That interview will not be put back on the Internet again as I really have moved on since then.  Dennis had hoped to have it remain, even as an edited down version if I could take out the parts that I found objectionable, but unfortunately, during the entire 10-minute conversation I did come off as Dennis’ “schizophrenic brother” and that is probably why he misinterpreted my behavior in the title of the short which was “An interview with my schizophrenic brother.”  I do want to make video addendum to his Mental Health blog to demonstrate to those of you who saw that previous curiosity that I am not really like I was presenting at that time, when not fresh of six months of brutal treatment at the hands of LA County Sheriff Deputies during the height of Sheriff Lee Baca’s reign of terror.  The new video will be posted on this site very soon.  Thanks for your interest in this blog.

– Tony Allard

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(  Note – The above post is written by Tony Allard and is an adjunct to a series on mental illness written by his brother Dennis Allard. That series may be accessed via the following links:   [ch.1] [ch.2] [ch.3] [ch.4] [ch.5] [ch.6] [ch.7] [ch.8]

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One Response to Am I Really Mentally Ill?

  1. Tony Allard says:

    Dennis,
    I don’t believe the content of this blog is as written and posted by me. Either you, Clavichord, or someone else with access to your Word Press account has altered it subtly or your WEB Site has been hacked. I suggest 2 things: 1) Report my observation and any of your own about altered content on this site to the FBI at http://WWW.IC3.GOV, AND 2) Contact Charles at Internethackers.com who may be able to help you with this problem and perhaps give you some more meningful emloyment. Thanks – Tony

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