I’m looking forward to September and putting the process of this ordeal behind me, even if it’s only officially. The verdict in my appeal means I have to live with the outcome, the moniker and a dark cloud of controversy for the rest of my life. There are people who keep asking me why I’m not more angry. And my only response is that there is peace in knowing the truth. The frustrating part is having to accept being dealt this hand. But on the scale of bad hands, this one is survivable, and I’m having a difficult time feeling sorry for myself now that I’ve made it through the other side. Sure, things are not ideal, but I’m still healthy and young. I have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot to look forward to.

My mission now is not to allow this case to be the end note of my career. I have worked far too hard and accomplished far too much to be pushed out of the sport this way. I miss competing. I miss the races and the life on the road. There’s a grind to the race circuit that you think might just do you in at certain points of every season. But from afar, those are the moments I miss the most. Maybe I’m addicted to suffering – who knows. All I know is that I’m ready for more.

I realize that I will have my fair share of detractors when I return. I’ve already encountered as much in my daily life. It’s an odd feeling to walk into a room and have people look up at you and not know what they are thinking. But that’s a feeling that my wife and I are learning to cope with.

We realized recently, that we can’t explain my case to everyone who doubts me. A light bulb went off a few weeks ago when someone wrote to us to tell us they’ve read everything about my case and because they know everything there is to know, they know I’m guilty. When someone is bold enough to tell you straight out that they think they know more about you than you do, well, how can you be expected to reason with them? Especially when the media has covered about 10% of the facts presented in my case. This turned out to be a moment of clarity for Haven and me. Instead of feeling like we have to educate the world, we have found peace in the fact that we’ll somehow reach those who want to listen. And the rest will think what they think, regardless.

I was recently out-of-competition tested by USADA at my home. I was happy to see a box at the bottom of the testing forms asking for permission from the athletes to use their leftover samples for research. That question did not exist when my blood tests were used for lab proficiency testing without my knowledge. I hope this policy is standard throughout sports testing from now on. It’s an important privacy issue for all athletes and should be taken seriously. I’m still a big supporter of the anti-doping mission and am happy to see improvements like this one come about, even if they are small.

These days my life is centered around moving forward and looking ahead to the future. I have continued to train through all the madness – which has been a big part of maintaining my sanity. I’ve been really fortunate to have a good group of guys to train with here in Boulder. Some of whom, I feel like I’ve taken under wing a bit – trying to give them training tips and keeping tabs on them at their races. I like seeing the next generation moving up. And it makes me happy to see the future of the sport developing through guys who share a real passion for the sport.

The weather in Colorado has been great all winter so getting out and riding has not been a problem. It was so warm in Boulder it was easy to forget the high country was getting the most snow they’ve seen in over 30 years. We did manage to get to Vail for some spring skiing with our friends at the Jimmy Heuga Center for their annual Vertical Express event. I dragged Haven down some double black diamond trails after a fresh snow fall. She’s used to east coast skiing and struggled a bit when she realized she couldn’t see her skis. But she made through the weekend without any major mishaps. I always wind up pushing her a little further outside of her comfort zone than she prefers – which is probably why she still doesn’t ride a bike with me.

For a change of scenery we packed up the mutts and drove south the Sante Fe last week. It’s an easy drive from Boulder. We met some friends from Phoenix down there and rode around in the desert for a few days. It’s really a beautiful place – although there were times when I had wished the breakdown lanes were a little wider. We made our way up to Taos one afternoon to ride the “Enchanted Circle” – which we heard was an epic 85 mile loop with pretty incredible scenery. Sadly for us, a major storm blew in upon our arrival, and the only scenery we took in was the inside the World Cup Coffee house and a Mexican restaurant frequented mostly by tourists. Soggy chamois and tortilla chips are not the best combination. Take my word for it.

I was back in the groove this week in Boulder, catching rides with guys who were between races. On my way home from a group ride the other night I found baby rabbit about the size of a tennis ball in the middle of highway 36. He let me pick him up and redirect him off to the side of the road where he could hop around safely. He seemed a bit dazed, and I figured he may have been in shock given his recent adventure into traffic. When I couldn’t find his nest, his mother or any signs of brothers or sisters and he started heading back to the road, I figured he should probably come home with me. So I picked him up again – another sure sign he was not doing well, and tucked him into my jersey and road up the canyon to our house with him. He spent the night with us wrapped up in kitchen towels until we could transport him to a wild life rescue in the morning. I felt like I had bonded with him – and wanted to keep him. But after a quick Google search we realized the best thing to do was to turn him over to people who knew how to care for him. Besides, Tank and Anch would not have adjusted well to the idea of having a rabbit hopping around the house.

Speaking of them, they are doing well. They’re full size now and spend most of their days trying to create trouble in and around our house. If they’re not wrestling one another to the ground, Anchor is usually trying to eat something he shouldn’t be eating and Tanker is usually off barking at anything he feels could be potentially harmful to the rest of the family. Needless to say, the bikers get an earful when they ride by.

I’ll head over to Europe in the next few weeks to train and do some testing with my coach, Cecco, to see where my fitness level is. I was training in Italy until a couple of days before the verdict was handed down in my case. I left my bike, two suitcases and my car there thinking I’d be back within a week or two. I didn’t expect to spend the spring in the US. But now that I have, it’s time to get back to business. Ideally, I’d like to race starting at the World Championships. The road race is one day after I’m cleared to race. Unfortunately, the time trial is a day before my suspension ends, so I will miss that. It would have been great to start back with the World Championship time trial, but that’s not in the cards. At this point, it looks as though the mainstay of my season will consist largely of motorpacing.

Thanks for continuing to check in and for all your thoughtful messages. I do read them, and although we’ve lost some due to the technical issues with our site, I do appreciate the generosity of all of you who’ve taken the time to write. As promised in my dailypeloton.com interview, I am happy to answer any questions any of you may have. If you leave them in the guestbook I will respond. So if there’s anything you want to know, just ask.

Thanks for reading.